We got this question in our inbox:
I don’t know how to ask this question as people get really touchy about it no matter what way I phrase it but I’d really like an answer from someone who has gone through or wants to go through the “transformation”. I guess all I want to know is why did you decide to do it? I’m a bit confused about the end result mostly, cause I can understand you don’t feel comfortable with the role you were given and you feel in your heart that you were supposed to come out another way, but with science at the position it is where it can’t truly turn one gender into another (working reproductive organ wise) then why did you decide to do it? I feel like at this point in time it’s just giving up your ability to reproduce for a more pleasing physical form and I guess I really don’t understand. Please help me understand.
So, here is my answer…
First, and this is really important so try your best to understand this part, there is no possible way for you to fully understand what it’s like to be transgender unless you actually are transgender; and even so, as a transgender man I have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be a transgender man and even have a hard time understanding what it would be like to be a transman from a volatile household or a gay transman or something other than the experience I have already lived. In trying to understand WHY people transition, you have to accept that you might never fully understand it.
Many trans people, myself included, get REALLY frustrated and angry when asked these kinds of questions only to hear the curious person tell us how they could “totally imagine what that would be like” or can “totally relate” because one time they thought they were gay or something equally as unrelated. I love educating people, but sometimes the first step in understanding what it’s like to be transgender and to start transitioning is that you need to accept that you can only ever scratch the surface of understanding; because so much of transitioning and living as a transgender person is internal and personal.
Now, every person’s story and reasons for transitioning are different. This is only one person’s story, specifically mine, and can’t really be used to generalize the overall experience.
When I was a kid, before puberty was on anyone’s radar, I was very happy. Unless, of course, my mom was insisting that I wear a dress in which case I was throwing a fit and decidedly NOT wearing a dress. I would go to school in my white sneakers and holey jeans and t-shirts and play on the playground and skin my knees and try to catch bees (unsuccessfully) and wrestle with the other boys in my class. It was a good little life.
Puberty hit like a freight train and while my female peers were starting to look at the boys with glistening eye and hiding their faces with hands and giggles, I was stuck. Every feeling in my body was completely opposite from that I was “supposed to” be feeling. I was becoming aroused by girls, fantasizing about kissing them and getting nervous by the idea of talking to them, not to mention that I was completely horrified by what was happening to my body. While the girls around me started going home with mysterious ailments (aka getting their period), I was slinking into a pitch black chasm. I was finally taller than all my guy friends, but it was at a heavy cost.
I was embarrassed by the way my body was changing. I wore increasingly baggy clothes to hide my chest and began wearing hats and letting my hair fall over my face to hide it’s changing shape. I did everything I could to hide the changes my body was going through.
By the end of 8th grade, I was hiding behind my clothes at school and drowning my pain in alcohol the moment I was able to be home alone. I played soccer and became more aggressive; it was the only time that I was ever able to forget what my body looked like. But then other parents would approach the referee at half time to try to get me off the field as they assumed I was a biological boy masquerading (poorly) as a girl.
I realized that I couldn’t live with that kind of deep shame and discomfort anymore. I needed to find a different way of coping with the fact that my body was something other than what I needed it to be. So I tried to just embrace it. I tried to just “be a girl”.
Looking back on some of the pictures from them, it’s hilarious. I looked like an awkward teenager in drag. I was still sexually attracted to women, and had many girlfriends, but that didn’t stop me from getting attention from the guys that I used to skate and party with. I think it’s safe to say that everyone was pretty weirded out by the few months that I tried like hell to fit in.
Trying to fit in, trying to force my mind to match my body, it was a disaster. If I was suffering before, it was nothing compared to how miserable I became in those months that I tried. My grades plummeted, I almost left soccer behind me, but those are superficial compared to trying to take my life. In the pain of living in a body that didn’t feel like my own, the only way I could see an escape was by ending my life. I failed many, many times because a few selfless people interveined.
At one point, when I was a freshman and my older brother was a senior, I had collapsed in rage and pain in the hallway and he had to carry me to the school nurse. He called up our mom and managed to get me to my therapist. I literally could not continue moving in my body. I couldn’t bring myself to try anymore.
Another failed suicide attempt later, I found myself in psychiatric hospital getting real help for my gender dysphoria. I met a kid who would sit and read his bible day after day. Somehow he got it into my head that there was something I was meant to do in my life, and that I needed to find a better way to live in my body in order to actually get to the point of doing that important thing.
It was years after that before I started seeing a gender therapist who actually helped me devise a way to live in my body. The intention was never to have a body that I was 100% happy living in. All we set out to do was to find a way for me to be able to want to try to keep living, a way for me to be able to feel good enough to have a productive life. Anything beyond waking up and doing what I needed to do to stay alive was a stretch goal.
Luckily, after changing my name and taking hormones and having top surgery and dealing with and understanding my dysphoria, I’m able to have a productive life AND and a happy life. Some transgender people are only ever able to have a productive life, and some never make it that far.
So, why did I transition? It felt like my body disobeyed me and changed into something that made every part of my life incredibly painful. Laying down, going to the bathroom, hearing my name, walking, running, getting dressed, taking a shower, speaking, seeing my hands… everything reminded me that I had no control over what my body was turning into. I felt like I was living within a monster. I felt like I was living within a cancerous shell. I needed to escape, but there is no way to fully escape, so I did whatever it took to get as close to escaping as I could. And I am incredibly happy and healthy because of it.
You won’t find a reputable gender and sexuality therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist that will deny that difference.
Some of you may not know the specifics behind the differences, so just for clarity’s sake, here are one liners pulled from Wikipedia:
Gender refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviors, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women.
Sex refers to the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women.
Gender and sex are, simply put, not the same thing.
Except for the 98% of the population whose sex and gender are the same. For them, there is no difference between gender and sex. As someone who has never experienced a disconnect between the two, it’s hard to grasp.
On Earth, mass and weight are functionally the same. In my day-to-day life, I see no reason to recognize the difference.
Does my experience of a total match-up between mass and weight discredit the scientific finding that the two are different?
Absolutely not. My lack of expertise is irrelevant. A difference exists, whether I chose to acknowledge it on a daily basis or not.
The distinction between mass and weight may only matter if you are in the context of a technical or scientific sphere, but by that logic the distinction between gender and sex only matters if you are in the context of people who experience gender dysphoria. And when you talk to me, a girl with a trans boyfriend, it is an extremely relevant distinction.
Just because we haven’t experienced the difference between two things, doesn’t mean that a difference doesn’t exist.
Throughout my life I’ve had more short-term passions than long-term pursuits, with a few exceptions. About once a week or two I would come up with something new that I was super interested in. I remember being enthralled in space exploration one day and obsessed with medieval weaponry the next. That’s how I’ve always been wired.
Some things just naturally don’t fit into the category of “hobby” or “interest,” notably sexuality and gender identity. However, that’s a hard thing to come to terms with as a parent, so it’s understandable how my folks were temporarily just going with the idea that I was a guy. Emphasis on the temporary bit.
They would eventually realize, at some point between two weeks and two years of confiding in them, that it was not a temporary thing. My dad has always been the skeptical one, and I don’t blame him at all since I’m just as skeptical about other people’s stuff and things in general. He was skeptical about anti-depressants when I was a teenager, he was skeptical about my decision to go from a computer science major to an English major, and he was pretty skeptical about the whole me being a guy thing.
To be very clear, he has always accepted me and shown me his love in the ways that make sense to him. Only in my most irrational moments did I ever interpret his skepticism as something other than the deepest concern that parents have for their children.
All in all, it made a lot of sense when I was on the eve of my name change, and again on the eve of starting hormones, and yet again on the eve of my surgery and my dad made me do a gut check just to make sure one last time.
When the gut check is coming from him, I don’t mind asking myself, and in turn reminding myself, that this is the right path for me to be on and to reflect on how much more comfortable I’ve become after each step in my transition.
And then, random people ask me what it would be like, or even worst, what it will be like when I de-transition.
I shit you not, through college I experienced more than the recommended dose of stupidity and rudeness when people would tell me that I would never pass well enough, that I would be ostracized, that I would be emasculated and broken to the point that I would willingly slink back into womanhood.
It still doesn’t even make me mad. Ok, maybe a little frustrated, but mostly it’s just hilarious. Beyond the face-palming initial reaction, I am faced with a person who is so internally conflicted about the idea that their own gender identity might be in question that they are telling me how impossible it would be for my own brand of masculinity to be accepted as natural fact.
So, no, I don’t wonder what it would be like if I de-transitioned just like I don’t think that happily cisgendered people wonder what it would be like if they transitioned. However, for the sake of pondering, my results are quite comical.
Time has a way of changing people and minds, and if me and mine change then I guess I’ll just roll with it. Hell, that’s basically what I’ve been doing so far and it’s been working out alright.
This question baffles me.
No one has ever asked me what I would do if Matt changed his mind, but I’ve read of many parents of gender-nonconforming kids being asked this relentlessly.
I don’t think a person could meet Matt and then ask me what we would do if he “changed his mind”. There isn’t a fiber in his being that suggests he’s anything other than male.
But, I love Matt. I love him immensely.
If he changed his mind, about being trans, I’d do everything in my power to help him feel loved and safe.
Would it be easy? Absolutely not. Generally speaking I don’t find myself attracted to feminine features. I love beards. I love treasure trails. I love deep voices. I love tough, strong men. But would I still want to be with him? Yes.
I would do everything in my power to help get him back to a place where he feels comfortable in his body.
I am so lucky to have met Matt at this point in his transition. I feel so lucky that he is established as a man in his (and everyone in his life’s mind). Blessed, actually.
I see stories often on the /r/MyPartnerIsTrans subreddit of couples who have been together, as seemingly cisgender individuals, now faced with one partner transitioning. The toll on each partner, not to mention the relationship, their families, their friends… it’s unimaginable.
I like to think that I am a strong woman. I like to think that the love that I feel for Matt is unconditional. That being said, I can never begin to guess how I would feel if he told me he needed to transition for the first time or even to detransition.
In trying to understand dysphoria’s place in my life, Matt’s life, and our relationship I had been pondering what I thought dysphoria felt like for Matt and not what it felt like for me.
I’ve been struggling to find words to find something I’ve never felt before. It doesn’t really feel like my topic to talk about. Dysphoria is a trans thing. Right?
Dysphoria is something I can witness, but it feels weird for me to talk about it from my perspective. No one has ever asked me what it feels like to be dysphoric, so I never considered it. But it still exists in my life. I still encounter dysphoria because I have a trans boyfriend.
Matt is generally really comfortable in his skin. Suddenly he didn’t want to be naked in front of me. I’m not sure if it was embarrassment fueled by the dysphoria, but I went a few days without seeing him totally naked. I’d tug at his boxers and he’d give me a look of discomfort. Like, what was underneath was foreign and he didn’t want to have to look at it.
So, what does it feel like for me when Matt feels dysphoric? I feel helpless. I feel absolutely useless.
There is nothing I can read on the internet to help me understand dysphoria. There is no quick guide for dealing with a dysphoric boyfriend. These first six months of our relationship have consisted of me learning about trans-ness as a general topic. There isn’t any way for me to understand away dysphoria. It’s not something I said, it’s not something I did, it’s not something I triggered.
I wanted to caress his face, and feel his beard, but I was worried he’d think I was drawing attention to one of his “manlier” characteristics. I wanted to lay my head across his chest, he always loves that, but I was worried he’d think I was drawing attention to his post-op chest. I wanted to tell him that I’m here for him. That I love him, no matter what. That I would do anything in my power to ease his pain. But I still fight an internal struggle. I don’t want him feel demasculinized. In that moment, I want to help him forget all the things that hurt him, not emphasize the things that are hurting him.
And then suddenly, the dysphoria passed.
It was like a switch. It seemed to be a really short time between Matt wanting his boxers to stay plastered just beneath his belly button and Matt wanting me to rip his clothes off and screw like little bunnies.
It was surprising. We didn’t really change anything in his routine, I didn’t do anything differently… There wasn’t a fix that I could see and it was unsettling for me.
In a perfect world, I wish that he had the ability to communicate what he’s feeling. Not just to help me visualize what hurts (emotionally or otherwise), but to help see how he went from 0 to 60. What triggered him. What flipped the switch.
That being said, I recognize that Matt generally does things to the best of his ability. When he’s dealing with dysphoria, I might as well be talking to Harry Potter seated next to a dementor. I get that that’s all he’s got in him. There are some days where I come home from work in a huffy. It had nothing to do with Matt, but I’m in the fuck-everyone mood. I understand that Matt is human, and that he probably wants the exact same thing out of me, when I’m in a bad place.
The best I have to offer is this: Ask your partner, in a time that they’re not feeling dysphoric, what they want, need, or expect from you. Respect their response, whether it was what you expected or not, whether it’s how you would want from them in the same position.
Know that you cannot solve their dysphoria. The best you can do is love and support them in the same way you have in every other aspect of your life together.
I’ve always had a hard time coming to terms with the idea of transition, of having a moment or series of moments that define a transition. On one hand, it’s kind of a perpetual thing with a few very distinct mile markers; but then on the other hand, every life is a life in transition and it really is only those distinct mile markers that make it possible to differentiate between mine and yours and someone else’s.
I get to thinking about this kind of stuff whenever I have something going on with my trans-ness; whether that be dealing with hormones or meeting a new potential partner or figuring out a new way that I like to have sex. Sometimes they happen sporadically and it’s doesn’t really phase me that my trans-ness is more apparent then (when I’m coming out or picking out a new dick or whatever), but other times they happen all together and it just kind of hits me like a freight train.
For a while now my hormone levels have felt pretty wonky, but I’m all headstrong and whatever so I’ve chosen not to go to the doctor. I’ll be rectifying this mistake this week, but this has been a big weight on my shoulders for months and months.
Meanwhile I met Steph and we’ve been having this amazing sexual relationship. We have some awesome sex and part of it has been exploring ways of having sex that I didn’t think I’d be ok with. Being ok with having sex in whichever way I like is actually pretty anxiety inducing. Basically, we escalated from pegging (her strapping in and me receiving anal) to what I call “front pegging” (her strapping in and me receiving in the… front hole…). Now, being a guy (and a manly-man-guy at that), it’s quite scary to suddenly realize that apparently I like dick-like-things in my front hole. What does that mean? Should I be concerned that I made a mistake somewhere? Am I different now? The short answer is: nothing, probably not, and no. The long answer is: bodies feel pleasure so I guess mine is working pretty well, definitely not but kudos to me for finding a new way to get off, and no other than coming harder than I’ve ever before.
Alright, so wonky hormones and fun new sex aside, I’ve also decided that I want a way for me to wear my packer when I go swimming. This is such a common issue with trans dudes, and we know by now that when there’s a void, I like to provide a solution. So, I’m working out a version of a backing harness that I think will work well, but this seems to be putting my trans-ness on the forefront of my mind more often than any of the other things that I should be thinking about. Am I having some sort of internal trans revolution or liberation? Am I suddenly embracing my trans-ness?
What I struggle with is that while my thoughts seem to be very trans-focused the way that I just described them, they don’t seem that way to me. My hormone levels are messed up, and while this stems from being trans, I see it as a basic medical need. To me, it’s a chronic medical issue, but it’s not really any different than my boss’ bum knee or my coworker’s IBS in the way I go about dealing with it. All couples explore their sexual needs and desires together, sometimes that means that one person second guesses themselves and what they want or how they want, and how great that Steph and I are able to do so with such passion and understanding of each other. As for the packer harness, I can’t be the only guy in the world who doesn’t like swimming with my wang flapping around in my shorts, so I hardly think that even this SPECIFIC goal is all that different; I just happen to be doing something about it.
Life is a weird place. It’s always changing, evolving, backtracking, giving you hindsight and wisdom; a constant transitional phase.
Just when I think that I’m exceptionally different, I remember that I’m just as different as everyone else.
This past weekend was a monumental one, both in our relationship and in Matt’s life as a whole. For Matt, it was his first time being shirtless around people who weren’t aware of his trans past, it was the first time we faced the possibility of needing to come out to Steph’s family (with Matt being shirtless and all), and it was the first time ever that Matt brought a girl to meet his extended family.
So here’s a look into how it went down for each of us:
1. How were you feeling about the holiday weekend before it started?
I was pretty nervous about the initial shock of her family seeing my chest and what their first impression would be. I had my excuse ready but I’ve had some experiences in the past where people have been violently shocked, and I hated that.
Nervous and excited. We had a lot planned and we were both coming off of stressful weeks. Often vacation with family (especially new family) is more stressful than relaxing. I prepared for this to be the case.
2. What was your biggest fear with Steph’s family?
That they would know what my scars were from and I wouldn’t have been able to use my gynecomastia excuse. It was actually a tie between that and not being able to water ski/sky ski/wakeboard/etc. They’re big into water activities (which I have virtually no experience in), so I didn’t wanna suck.
The drinking! Oh, the drinking. My extended family tends to do a lot of our bonding over drinks. Often… that trickles into naked swimming. Naked swimming and trans-boyfriends (even cis-boyfriends…) don’t exactly mix well. I was worried that Matt would get pressure to take off his clothes. Thankfully, the drinking was minimal.
3. How did you recall the shirtless situation going down?
I think her sister-in-law saw first and was like, “woah, those are wicked,” or something and I was like, “yeah, I had gynecomastia as a kid.” I don’t think she really know what that meant (expected) so just went with it. Repeat for Steph’s dad and uncles. No one else cared.
A few family members asked about them. My sister-in-law inquired with a few questions out of concern, being that she’s in the health field. My father/uncle asked out of awe of the gnarly scarring. Matt’s response was smooth; I had gynocomastia as a kid. The guys nodded and moved on. It was a non-issue.
4. What was the most memorable moment with Steph’s family?
Getting up on the sky ski on my first go at it. Apparently it’s really hard to do that, so it was pretty great that I did. Also, they didn’t want us to leave early (to go see my family) so it was nice to feel wanted.
My family’s cabin experience, when not centered around drinking, is focused heavily on water sports. Matt got up on my dad’s SkySki on the first try. No, that’s not him, but he did look pretty darn great 🙂
5. Overall, how do you think it went with Steph’s family?
Really well. I’m more of an introvert and it takes me a bit to open up, but Steph’s family is great and I’ve gotten pretty comfortable around them. The being shirtless thing was a non-issue, which I’m glad for.
Great! He’d already met everyone there, so I wasn’t really worried about much other than the swimming. Once that cat was out of the bag, it was smooth sailing. (Omg. So many cliches!)
6. What was your biggest fear with Matt’s family?
That my less that sensitive uncle would mess up my pronouns or name (on accident or purpose). I knew it wouldn’t bother Steph, but he can be a huge dick. Also that I would get shit from my family for needing time away from them since I can only handle them for a few hours before I need some “me time” or “Matt and Steph time.”
Interrogation. My first meeting with Matt’s mom and her boyfriend included a lot of questions. Including, but not limited to, what my favorite part of sex is.
7. What was the most memorable moment with Matt’s family?
My Uncle saying “fuck you” to my mom when she was razzing him in front of the WHOLE family and my grandfather telling Steph and I jokes and just talking with him for once.
Probably the whole picture taking ordeal and Christmas name drawing. In my dating history I’ve never felt so accepted into a partners’ family so soon. I was asked to be in all the family pictures AND to be a part of the name drawing. Very, very cool.
8. Overall, how do you think it went with Matt’s family?
Well, no one fucked up my name or pronouns in front of me and my tiny cousins think I’m the best cousin ever, so there’s that.
Pretty good. There were a few minutes where I wish I’d have bitten my tongue, but the whole weekend went really well. It was great to get to put faces with names.
9. What would you have done differently?
Made the weekend longer. I had a great time, actually. Once I got over the nerves of being shirtless around her family for the first time, I had a lot of fun swimming and hanging around drinking beer.
There was one memorable negative moment, in which I was teasing Matt for a long-ago bonding experience with his cousin. I’ve since replayed that two minute segment in my head a number of times, and wish I could get a do-over. I won’t go into specifics, but I teased him for being compassionate. I wish I would have just “aww’d”.
10. Did you have fun?
Enough to keep Steph around for a little while longer…
Absolutely. There hasn’t been a day in the last four months that I haven’t been having fun. I guess that’s how I know I found the one. 🙂